Humpday funnies (truth is funnier than fiction)

[KorpDeath]

It's said truth is funnier than fiction.

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that
there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one! -- Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. -- Dr. Richard

Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart." -- Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba,
Canada


Have to have a good laugh at least once a day. Cheers!
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that he had done exactly what I had asked-he was standing there with
both his eyes covered! . -- Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,

he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put
on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one. -- Dr. Rebecca St.
Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered... "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."

-- Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see
the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it
there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was
completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[thor]

Thank's for the laughs KorpDeath

[casper3699]

Haha very good my favorite is the last one.

[ASPII]

KorpDeath everything you post is good and funny, but don't copy other's "projects".

[darkadon]

LOL

[11001001]

Wicked funny!
Keep 'em coming!

[ac1dsp3ctrum]

Good one KorpDeath

[po3tree]

Gracias, KorpDeath, Hope you have more.

[garathjax]

Here are some things that were actually said in court (word for word):

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[thesecretfire]

Eh, those court quots would probably seem normal if you could read them in context. Perhaps a laywer wanted to make something extra clear, or was being sarcastic.