Parents/Children After Divorce

[8*B@LL]

Originally posted here by debwalin
did one or both of your parents try to manipulate you?

well first off remember that he may not be actually concenciously TRYING to manipulate your son, but rather expressing his true feelings of missing his son, which would make the child feel like it is their fault, even if it wasnt intentional.

on the other hand, i think that given human nature it is almost to be expected that one or both of the divorced parrents will attempt to manipulate the children, atleast to some degree.

I'm really worried about the emotional effects this will have on my son.

well, also keep in mind the emotional effects that spefically denying him his request could have on him. if he really wants to live with his father and you were to disallow it, that could be very painfull as he may see it as you punishing him for no(perceved) reason other than loving his father.

of course, the real question is which would be worse? that would depend on how badly he actually wants to move up there for the school year, and only you can guage that, and only when you two are alone. perhaps visit some time and offer to take him out for icecream or something and talk to him then.

I wonder if I should let him do what he wants to, or do what I really really think is right.

it may help you if you stop looking in terms of "what you think is right" vs "what he wants" and try to just look objectivly at the situation. if he does go up there he will obviously enjoy himself, but will he recieve propper support to encourage good habbits for school? will the enviroment be condusive to good health for him? what effect will moving away from all his current friends and having to find new ones have? does he want to go to be with his father or does he just want to go because of the relaxed rule set that is enforced there? does he really NEED bed-time rules and such, or would removing those rules help him become more independant? i really think that there are so many micro-details involved in cases like this that it is hard to judge on anything but a spefic case-by-case basis.

I know this was long, and I tried to make it as concise as possible.

Deb

heh, for the "size" situation you are dealing with i'd say that was VERY concise...you probably could have written a small novel had you let yourself go

[ADDED]

and by the way, that post was not to imply that you hadn't thought about all that stuff already, but rather to offer you a few(possibly) new ways to look at it.

[Fakeboy]

As a child of a DIVORCE my father wanted nothing to do with us three boys, and my mother had too many issues, and we were all dumped onto my grandmother. She was very ill, and had more than she could handle with us three, but she still did it. My father re-married, and was happier than an ()*)(*$)*@$ with his step children, and didn't want anything to do with me "Except the time he smashed a beer bottle against my head when he was drunk, and wanted a hug and I refused" got some nice scars from that, and my Mother re-married and she still had a partial relationship with us, when her husband allowed. Well my grandmother passed away, the only one that was ever there for us, and now my mother is trying to fill the void by 1. trying to get me to help her out witll all her bills because I'm sucessful, 2 missing my brother's graduation, 3 telling everyone she thinks my father's brother is my brother's father, I can go on if you like, but no one wants to hear about my life story which can almost be a Jerry Springer Made For TV movie... Well I can some up how I feel about my parents in two words F That.... I am just trying to get away from it all.

[debwalin]

Well, I certainly appreciate everyone's input on this. I tried to not bad-mouth his father in the previous post, and I still don't want to, so I'll just put it like this: he doesn't care for his basic needs in the way that I do...since he was 2, every trip to the doctor, dentist, eye doctor, every shot he's ever had, every stitch of clothing he's had I have paid for. He is of above normal intelligence, so we hired a tutor to help him with a few things he doesn't get at school. His dad has had no part in any of this, mostly because he doesn't have any money to help out, because he is raising his g/f's three other children.

Jehnx: I am re-married, and he is as involved with my son as I am. My son has at other points admitted to me in conversations that he wishes "Bubba" (what he calls my husband) was his father. So a father figure is definitely in the picture, but that's not the point of what I'm saying. I DON'T want to replace his real father...no one can do that. I'm just concerned about whether he will do the best he can if he is with his father full time. And I'm certainly not planning on not letting him see his father.

Prodikal:

well my situation is a little diffrent my real mother died in child birth *having me*

Yikes...that's a whole different ballgame, and I kinda feel like a small person to be complaining when you have something like that to deal with.

Zigar:

of course we are the ones who drive to..and pay for football ...soccer...feed, clothe...and of course set limits and are the ones who discipline...(bad guys ya know)

Yeah, I know...we are too.

c0nf1rm3d:

On a side note- it amazes how much information I give out about myself to people I've never met....I'm not even drunk!

That's exactly what I was thinking when I started this, but I couldn't think of a place where I could get several different opinions from different (relatively) intelligent people without spending the next several weeks standing on a street corner polling people....lol!

R_A: thanks for an opinion from a child of divorce point of view.

I still don't know what on earth I'm going to do...but at least I get the feeling that a mother's instinct is still one of the best ways to go. I'm going to keep thinking (and worrying and stressing and freaking out) about what I should do, and I'm still open to any suggestions....

Deb

[DarkGuardian]

Wow, tough place to be in. From a divorce perspective, I probably got the better end of the stick. My Dad separated from my mom when I was a senior in High School. My mother moved back to her home town 1500 miles away after I graduated, taking my sister with her. I ended up going to college up there as well, turning down a scholarship. Why? Cause I needed to be with my mother, and she needed my support.

But my father still tries to convince me that I should move back down there. When I was unemployed, he kept sending me jobs from the south, in an attempt to sway me. It really sucked -- all my friends were down south, but all my family and new friends are up north now.

But I was also a military brat. I know what it's like to switch schools, and it sucks. Plain and simple. No child should have to go through it, period, if it can be helped.

Your child is also too young to really be making a decision. Your ex trying to coerce him like that isn't fair to your kid. You need to talk to your ex and calmly tell him that this isn't what's best for the child, and emphasize that -- not best for you, or him, but for the child. That's all that is really important. When he gets older, then he can make a decision on his own. Right now, just let him be a kid. Growing up is hard enough. If his father can't accept that, then I'm sorry that he can't do what is best for your son. I understand that he wants to be with his son, but disrupting his young life just for his father's sake is wrong.

[Louie]

Deb,

My parents got divorced, and Look I became the Chat Nazi, actually I moved in with my dad because he is the more stable of both my parents. He was the one who laid down the rules and told us what we could or couldn't do. Though even to this day, my mom trys to pressure me to moving back w/ her and my sisters (20 now). You seem like you will do the right thing Deb, unfortunately my mom is not sooo good. She talks **** about my dad, and provokes fights with me everytime I see her. I stopped going to family get togethers on her side of the family starting last Christmas. Now I just go on vacation or go to a friends. I can't tell the full term effects of the divorce because it happened when I was 15 and its only been 5 years. I will keep you posted.

[Dr Toker]

Originally posted here by debwalin
Okay, this thread is part discussion, part me asking for advice, and part gripe session.

My son (7) has lived with me since his dad and I separated when he was 2. He has always been able to see his dad whenever it was convenient for him. However, now he is in school, and in the divorce agreement, I have primary custody of him during the school year, with "reasonable" visitation to his dad(I live in FL, and his dad in NC). Now I have really tried to go out of my way to make sure that he sees his dad a lot...Christmas break, Spring break, and all summer vacation. He talks to his dad at least every 2-3 days when he is here, and we have a "daddy envelope" that we mail things once a week to him..school work, pictures he draws, CD's we make for him...whatever he wants to do.
Anyway, now he is at his dad's house, and his dad has been making him feel very guilty about not going to school there. He says that daddy misses him, and doesn't get to see him enough. He wants to stay there and go to school, but I don't know how he really feels, because I don't ever get to talk to him without his dad standing right there. I KNOW that I am the better parent for him to stay with to go to school, I'm a stay at home mom, I'm very involved in everything he does at school, and we play sports together, and generally have a great time...at dad's house, it's more of eat cereal for dinner, play video games and watch cartoons all day, and go to bed when you feel like it. I don't feel like there is any actual harm to him in being there, but I feel like I provide a much more stable environment for him.

My question I guess would be:
If you are a child of divorce...did one or both of your parents try to manipulate you? Did you live thru it to become a normal person? I'm really worried about the emotional effects this will have on my son.
If you have children, whether you are divorced from their other parent or not, would you give in? I wonder if I should let him do what he wants to, or do what I really really think is right.

Thanks for the time...I know this was long, and I tried to make it as concise as possible.

Deb

The Key word here Deb is 'Child'. A childs mind is easy to manipulate. And YES, my parents did manipulate me, my father would tell me how awefull my mother really was, and vice versa. Its like, I didnt figure out that they didnt like each other when they divorced? You must educate your son on what happened when he's old enough to understand. Giving a unbias report on the events that unfolded to create the world he lives in today... I had no Idea why my parents divorced. For years they lied to me about it. That was the worst scar of all deb. The lies...
They hurt so bad...

Should you 'give in' as you put it... No. Don't let him do what he wants to, he doesnt know what he wants. He's 7, he barely knows how to tie his shoes. Ya know... Its easy for his father to convice him he is doing wrong by not living with him, because his father has a hand over you. He' is the dad. Dad means ALOT to a boy. My dad did the same thing. Told me to come down to Houston and live with him and his NEW wife. And I almost did. But I saw the un-nearving look in my mothers eyes as I asked her about moving down there. It definatly was alot more fun there. We would go out all the time, really made living at my mothers look a lot like prison. So, if he is not directly slandering you, then he is indirectly making himself look better than you. Making the everyday life over there an adventure.

Listen Up DEB, try and spice up the everyday life for him. (Gawd, I sound like a marriage counselor) Seriously, just Up and Take him for a go-cart ride. Have a mommy and son day where he skips school and you guys hang out...ect... tell him how much he means to you.
Take him to church. Show him the world outside his safezone that mom has built. Hmmm..... Hope this helps.

[debwalin]

Seriously, just Up and Take him for a go-cart ride. Have a mommy and son day where he skips school and you guys hang out...ect... tell him how much he means to you.

Okay, didn't help much...but I feel like a better mommy now anyway....we do ALL of those things!! That's why this hurts I guess, because I really go all out to be a fun mom, despite the fact that I'm the one who has the rules. We have rules, but we also break them once in a while. It's not like a prison, but I feel kids need structure and definition in their lives.

And for those parents of you who haven't done it....let your kid stay home with you one day. I know it's hard when you work, but have you ever called in just because you didn't feel like going today? Next time you do it, let your child stay home too...at my house we call them "mental health days." We bake cookies, watch movies, play tickle monster on the couch, and in general act really really silly. And I can feel the effects for weeks after. It's a good way to bring your child back into your life if you feel "disconnected!"

Deb

[PapaGrande]

My parents split up when I was 12+-, so I got to see the hell that was their marriage. Yes I was affected deeply by the way that they treated eachother & me. They didn't exactly try to manipulate me, just make aech other seem like the @ss that caused the problems.
My best advice in this situation is to try and explain why things are the way they are, but DO NOT make anyone out to be the villan. Then explain why he is with you (stability, responsibel one, etc). Even though he is young, kids catch on to this stuff quicker than we did.

[underlost]

When I was about 14 or so, my dad finally moved out of the house because the marriage wasnt working out. It never had. My mom thought he coulf change him and try and make him better, but my dad never gave a crap, and through the years i noticed that. A year after he moved out about, he finally asked for a divorce. No one in the family really cared much. I never really cared much for my father, for it was my mother who always there and did stuff for me. (IE: help with homework, giving me rides to friends houes, etc). She still is always there for me too. However, my dad tries and manipulates my brother and making him think he is the greatest person on Earth by never setting any rules and so on, and I can see how it hurts my mother a lot. Sometimes I just want to beat down my so called "father" for doing such things.

Anyway, my point isthis: debwalin, just keep up the good parenting. Some day in the future your son will really think of you as the better parent and look up to you, even if right now he doesnt see it that way.

[shkuey]

I hope you're also asking for advice from somebody/some group that is more qualified than a computer forum, if you really need it and arent just venting anyway.

My parents divorced when I was 3 or 4, I know I was 4 when my mother and I moved, but the details of the divorce are sketchy to me. For a very long time I would see my father every other weekend, both parents badmouthed the other until I was about 10 when I told them to quit it. Something about a ten year old child telling you to stop badmouthing the other parent can hit home I guess, because both of them quit. Long story short, I'm fine. If the father plays video games with your son all night then he needs a friend, not a child, do what you think is best for the kid. Let him know that his voice is heard, so he is allowed to have an opinion about where he would want to live, but also let him know that he doesn't get to decide that.