Got any good jokes?

[SoggyBottom]

Some people may find the following joke offensive. So if you find jokes regarding sex offensive, please read no further...

You have been warned.


****
A Mans wife has been in hospital, lying in a coma for 3 months now. A nurse was giving her her daily sponging, and she noticed that when she rubbed the sponge over her pubic region, the comatosed women twitched and moaned.

The nurse immediately notified the doctor and confirmed the finding. So the husband was called to the hospital.

"We believe we have found a way to revive your wife, and we think that oral sex may do the trick."

So the husband and wife are given a bit of privacy so he can test the doctors theory.

Half and hour later, the husband comes out crying. The doctors ask what is wrong?

"My wife is dead!" says the husband.

"Dead. How on earth did she die?" the doctor asks.

The husband replies, "She choked".

[pleak]

Just remembered some good blonde jokes.


1. A blonde driving by a corn field spots anouther blonde in a rowboat in the of the field. She suddenly screaches to a halt, gets out of the car, and starts to scream and cuss out the blonde in the boat. "Its blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name," the blonde on "shore" scrame. "If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass."


2. One day, a blonde discoves that she is short on cash and decides to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She goes to the local park, finds a child, and pins a note to his shirt saying, "If you ever want to see your child again, leave $1000 next to the tree in the park," and sends the kid home. The next day the blonde goes back to find a paper sack with the money in it and note attached that said, "How could you do this to anouther blonde."

[-DaRK-RaiDeR-]

Like a joke,

One day a "perfect" man and a "perfect" woman got married, lived in a perfect house, had two perfect kids, bought a percect car and were living a perfect life. One perfect night on Christmas day, and after buying a lot of perfect presents for their perfect kids, they were returning home and on the way they saw Santa Claus without his "vehicle" and without chances of giving the presents to the all the kids in the city, so being the perfect couple, the perfect man and the perfect woman decided to help Santa Claus this night. So they drove their perfect car through the city leaving the presents for all the kids in their respective houses. But suddenly, when Santa's bag of gifts was almost empty, they had an accident, crashed the car, and two of them died. So, and think carefully... who was the person that stayed alive???... ...obviously the "perfect" woman... because we all know that Santa Claus and the "perfect" man don't exist.

But there's one more thing... if Santa Claus and the "perfect" man don't exist... who was driving the car???... ...the "perfect" woman..., so... ha!!!, that's the reason for which they crashed the car!!!

[pooja]

Here's another one - Once upon a time, a Blonde applied to Medical School needless to say she never made it because these are the answers she gave......

QUESTION: Define the following terms?

ANTIBODY - against everyone
ARTERY - the study of fine paintings


ASPHYXIA - get a "Butt Job"
BACTERIA - back door to a cafeteria
BENIGN - what you be after you be eight


BOWEL - letters like a,e,i,o,u
CAESARIAN SECTION - a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY - advanced study of poker playing
CAT SCAN - searching for lost kitty
CHRONIC - neck of a crow


COMA - punctuation mark
CORTIZONE - area around local courthouse
CYST - short for sister
DIAGNOSIS - person with a slanted nose
DILATE - the late British princess
DISLOCATION - in this place


DUODENUM - couple in jeans
ENEMA - not a friend
FALSE LABOR - pretending to work
FECES - nasty countenance
GALLBLADDER - bladder in a girl


GENES - blue denim
GROIN - to mash to a pulp / smile
HERNIA - she is close by
HYMEN - greeting to several males
IMPOTENT - distinguished, well-known
LABOR PAIN - hurt at work
LACTOSE - person without digits on the foot
LIPOSUCTION - a French kiss
LYMPH - walk unsteadily
MENOPAUSE - I no wait
MICROBES - small dressing gowns
OBESITY - city of Obe
PACEMAKER - winner of Nobel Peace Prize
PROTEIN - in favour of teens
PULSE - grain
PUS - small cat
RED BLOOD COUNT - Dracula
RUPTURE - ecstasy
SECRETION - hiding anything
SEMEN - sailors
SERUM - sailors drink
SUBCUTANEOUS - not cute enough

TABLET - small table

[powertoad5000]

Some may find these offensive...

Q: How do you find a baby in long grass?
A: With a lawnmower.

Q: How do you stop a baby swinging from a clothesline?
A: With a shovel.

Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.

Q: What do rednecks do at Halloween?
A: Pump kin.

Q: What's green and eats nuts?
A: Syphilis.

[r3b00+]

Just a quickie:

What d'ya call a donkey with three legs?

Wonky

[cHiLiEd TiMMaY]

What's grey, sits at the end of your bed, and takes the piss?
A dialysis machine.

What would it take to re-unite the Beatles?
2 bullets

Whats yellow, and lives off dead Beatles?
Yoko Ono

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

A man recieves a phone call from his doctor one day. The doctor sounds very concerned, and informs the man that his wife's lab results were mixed up with someone elses, and they don't know whether she has a heart defect, or AIDS. The man asks the Doctor "Well what can I do?", the Doctor replies "Send her out running. If she comes back, DON'T **** her!"

[invader]

There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.

One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off.

The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves.

The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.

Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?"

God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

[Trust_Not_123]

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."
"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

[prodikal]

lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day,
the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some."Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear.
I just take my dentures out rip back the skin and suck them dry.

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon,"
he said to the bartender.

"We got her" replied the bartender.
"She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don't" replied the hooker
"but I thought you might want to open those beers"

the pic and second joke curtesy of deadendweb.com

EDIT:actually the first joke is there to i just noticed but i wrote it the way i heard it