The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.



>It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.



>Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.



>Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.



>Never test the depth of the water with both feet.



>If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.



>Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.



>If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.



>Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.



>If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.



>If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.



>Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.



>Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.



>Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.



>The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.



>A closed mouth gathers no foot.



>Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.



>There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.



>Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.



>Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.



>Never miss a good chance to shut up.



>We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then things get worse.



>Remember...the most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.