Stickies just don't work, so I have an idea...

When a new member joins, have an automatic pm sent to them. The troll says "OMG my first PM my name must sound so l33t that somebody PM'd me right away"

In the PM, something like-
Welcome to AO!
Remember, it takes 10 posts before you can get your custom avatar, and you will start out with 10 Antipoints, and the AP's you give out won't be worth anything until you recieve some. So start making some high quality posts!
Here are some security threads to get you started in our forums-
Then we have a couple FAQ threads, AP threads and some of the more informational threads listed in the PM so they know that hacking hotmail isn't appropriate, and that we discourage threads that look like IRC channels.

What do you think? I call it the welcome message.