THE TEENAGER DAUGHTER OWNER'S MANUAL

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters, or who will
soon have a teenage daughter....

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged
daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the
maintenance of your new daughter, & answers important questions
about your warranty, which does NOT include the right to return the
'product' to the factory for a full refund.



IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

*To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl,
please examine your new daughter carefully. - Does she:

(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more
makeup & less clothing?

(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth.
(except when requesting money)?

(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

*If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.


BREAK-IN PERIOD

When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially
experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort
will subside, & you will merely feel traumatized. This is the
"Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to
certain Behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, & stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start
acting even worse.


ACTIVATION

To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity
of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is
required.


SHUTDOWN

Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your
teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.


CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between
The words "clean" & "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean,
because They take frequent showers and or baths that last more than
an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps
which you must purchase for them because "like I'm sure I'm going
to use like the same kind of soap my mom & dad use." When they
have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out &
wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will
subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick
up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers
are very busy & don't have time to be neat. They expect others to
pick up after them. These 'others' are called "parents."


FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be
Purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you
eat because, "It is like so disgusting." She doesn't want you to
accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see
you &, "Like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner
with my parents." Either order take-out food or just give her
the money. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because
the delivery boy might see you &, "OHMIGAWD! HE IS SO HOT!" Yes,
your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy!


CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish & frankly,
sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter.
If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which
are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants
to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into
putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the
time she walks in the school door, she will be wearing something
entirely different.


OTHER MAINTENANCE

Teenaged daughters require one or two levels of maintenance:
"High," & "Ultra High." Of course, YOUR daughter is "Ultra High."
This means that whatever you do won't be enough, & whatever you try,
won't work.


WARRANTY

This product is not without defect because she has "your" genes,
for heaven's sake! If you think this is not fair, talk to your
parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will
remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a
woman; which in her opinion, has already happened, & as far as
you are concerned, never really will. If you are dissatisfied with
your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event,
your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any
circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -
you just have to look for her. Go ahead, try it -- you just might
find her!