a couple of my favorites:

"I don't understand people who protest things in the street by walking around holding signs. I say, if you're gonna be on the street, use the time productively. Destroy some property."

"In some hotel they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark."

and my favorite of all time....

"There is now a Starbucks in my pants"

er, that was from a George Carlin desk calendar…