Parents/Children After Divorce

[darkewolfe]

I feel for you and your child. My parents had a messy divorce when I was young, and they both tried to "influence" me for one thing or another, especially when it came down to whom I wanted to stay during the school year.

I just went through a divorce myself, and the one thing I kept in mind was what was best for my child. I can tell you first hand that the best thing to do is to talk to your child, explain the situation and your reasons for any decisions you make regarding him..you may be amazed at how much they actually understand ( I was 3 and I still remember it all). I would also advise you to keep your child's best interest in hand on all decisions, even whether or not you or your husband might be the best person to be with during the school year (since I'm not privy to all the information from all sides, I prefer not to comment or take sides).

Whatever your decisions are, I wish you and your son well, bless ya both.

[thesecretfire]

This is an unbelievable coincidence: Just while I was reading this thread, my sister is asking my dad about divorce. My parents seperated a few years ago (it was definately a good thing) and right now we both live with our dad, and see/talk to mom pretty regularly. My sister kept asking why they didn't go through and do a full divorce instead of just sperating with certain agreements in place. Anyone else have an opinion on this? Is having yourself down on paper as divorced a good thing?

Also, I get a whole lot of the badmouthing/manipulating things. I try to ignore it, but it can nasty sometimes.

[Juridian]

My parents divorced when I was young. I lived with my mom as my dad was a serious alcoholic. He never called, never wrote, never sent any child support. When I was about 16 he decided he wanted to talk to me again......I wasn't the slightest bit interested and I still don't talk to him to this day.

Now I'm not punishing him or anything like that, I just don't have any interest in having any kind of relationship with him. I even turned out as a decent human being (for the most part).

With your situation I think you just have to stick with what is best for the kids....them staying with you.

[ThePreacher]

I couldnt imagine not being able to talk to my young son or daughter except on the weekends, or having to wait another six months until summer for them to spend time with me. All the while the child's mother swearing up and down that Im a bad parent. I was grown when my parents divorced, so I had already developed a tight relationship with my father and mother, however my sister was not, and now because my mother has been feeding her all of the hatred and resentment she has toward my father, my sister will not talk to him, visit him, or even write him. My father loves her, yet he might never earn her respect. At the same time if my father had been given her custody, my mother might be in his situation now. It seems to me, that they were playing a game of who gets the most after the divorce, and the kids were in the equation with the cars.

[DIGITALshimmerz]

When my father found out my mother was pregnant with me, he shot out of our lives. I have grown to the age of 18 with no strong male role model, and I feel that I have grown to the best of my ability. I do not feel I am less then anyone else, more like at times I think I am superior.

Perhaps I created my superiority complex because I felt I was lacking something without two parents. I still maintain strong relations with my fathers side of the family, just not with him in particular. I do this of my own free will, I will not be involved with a person that hasnt spent a single moment of his life with me.

Im sure your son will turn out just fine. Divorce can be a struggle, as I have watched my mother go through it once. But once you even out, things flows fairly straight, even though there may be a few kinks along the way. Atleast your son has a father to spend time with, and most of all, a father that wants to spend time with his son.

[Fakeboy]

As a child of a DIVORCE my father wanted nothing to do with us three boys, and my mother had too many issues, and we were all dumped onto my grandmother. She was very ill, and had more than she could handle with us three, but she still did it. My father re-married, and was happier than an ()*)(*$)*@$ with his step children, and didn't want anything to do with me "Except the time he smashed a beer bottle against my head when he was drunk, and wanted a hug and I refused" got some nice scars from that, and my Mother re-married and she still had a partial relationship with us, when her husband allowed. Well my grandmother passed away, the only one that was ever there for us, and now my mother is trying to fill the void by 1. trying to get me to help her out witll all her bills because I'm sucessful, 2 missing my brother's graduation, 3 telling everyone she thinks my father's brother is my brother's father, I can go on if you like, but no one wants to hear about my life story which can almost be a Jerry Springer Made For TV movie... Well I can some up how I feel about my parents in two words F That.... I am just trying to get away from it all.

[mrcoffee12]

my parents divorced 11 yrs ago, i am almost 15 now and so far, ive grown up fairly normal, i lived with my mom for 10 yrs and visited my dad every other weekend for the most part, now i live with him and although its not entirely the same as visiting every other weekend its still great, i still have a fairly good relationship with my mom still although she was pissed when she heard that i wanted to move in with my dad but in the end she realized that if it wasnt right for me i would come back to her. now i go and visit her every other weekend, and my opinion is that for the kid's earlier years its better to live you with you, his mom. then when he gets older you should let him see if he wants to live with his dad or if he still wants to live with you.
as for the part about did either of my parents try and influence me? yes, my dad really doesnt like my mom much and my mom doesnt like my dad much although she's more civil about it. they both wanted me to live with them and they never talk to arrange when we're gonna meet so i can visit the other one, i am always the conduit and if one of them wants me to tell the other one something mean, i tell them they can do it themselves or dont do it because im not going to be mean, ive made my own decisions and i love them both.

i no he needs to make his own decisions, so talk to him and explain everything very plainly while trying to keep everything neutral, not hes bad and im good, but keep the kid even if at the time he gets mad at you at the time, in the end hell realize it was the best thing for him.

[4ChecK]

shkuey, wise words along with poignant remarks!!

deb, it's a very tough situation. i, like many others here am a child of divorced parents. one who was stuck in the middle of "daddy loves you more than mommy" arguments. followed up with gifts and privaledges just to make the other parent angry and jealous. many nights i watched from the car and bedroom windows as my parents yelled at each other in the street and threatened each other that they would take me away from the other one. w/all this **** going on i turned out just fine. and i think i'm even a better parent for it, (IMHO)

in referencing this back to your situation; it doesn't take very long for a child to see the BS. watching my daughter grow up, i can see how quickly they see thru the crap and how they can decipher right from wrong. my best advice is to just love them. as corny as that sounds, it does take you in the right direction.

good luck, and my best wishes go with you!

[allenb1963]

As a father of a child of divorce, I'm going to put my two cents worth in on this subject. I did not have custody of my son (now 18) but was fortunate enough to get very liberal visitation through the court (the only limitation was giving 24 hrs notice before picking him up). Through the years his mother tried repeatedly to tear me down in his eyes, manipulate him emotionally, the whole nine yards. In response to these tactics, I was (and still am) totally honest with my son concerning any questions he asked concerning statements his mother had made about me. I would explain, to the best of my ability, the reasoning and motivations behind his mothers actions without casting a negative light on her. I explained that after reaching a certain age, he could make up his own mind about who he lived with, that he was welcome to live with me if he wanted, but that who he lived with would not change how I felt about him. In short, I refused to play that 'emotional tug-of-war' game with her. By refusing to play, I unintentionally won the game. It didn't take him long to figure out what was REALLY going on, and he does have some harsh opinions about his mother because of it, though not enough to change the fact that he loves her. I guess what I am saying is for you to just be honest with your son about what is happening, give him an objective view of whats happening that is not emotionally biased (not easy, but not impossible either). He can figure the rest out from there.....children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. The main thing is to do the best thing for the child. As parents (of divorce) it is our duty to put our personal agendas and feelings second to the happiness and well-being of the child, a lesson your ex would benefit from in the long run. I wish you the very best of luck in this difficult situation.

[debwalin]

I guess what I am saying is for you to just be honest with your son about what is happening, give him an objective view of whats happening that is not emotionally biased (not easy, but not impossible either).

You are so right. I do this, I don't get overly emotional talking about this with my son, and I try to make him understand that the one thing that really matters is that I love him. And so does his dad, even though it kills me sometimes when I really want to scream that his dad is being a true butthole, and is just doing this to make me miserable!!! ARGH....but I stay completely calm, and then I get off the phone and cry like a baby with my husband...lol.

Thank you for the dad's view on this. I don't want it to be seen as me trying to take anything away from father's...they are extremely important, and in a lot of cases, they are the best parent. This doesn't have anything to do with me feeling like moms are more important than dad's at all....I just want what's best for him. And in this case, I feel like my husband and I provide more stability, and safety for him.

Thank you so much.

Deb