Bastard system Admin from Michigan

[gore]

Well all, being a huge fan of the BOFH stories, i got bored a few minutes ago and decided id write my own, im gunna try and create a series and if this one sucks its because i did the hole thing in like 15 minutes, im gunna share this with you and id really appreciate feedback on it from all of you, like what you think, how did i do, stuff like that.
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BASTARD ADMIN FROM MICHIGAN
#1
Written entirely by: gore.

8:00 AM: Well today is my first day at my new job, the Admin I’m taking the place for welcomes me and warns me that the lusers get cranky when they don’t get what they want…This should be fun.

I check bandwidth usage as the old system admin is leaving…50%!!!!!! That’s not tolerable!! I unplug the accounting woman’s connection that seems to think she can download “Coyote Ugly” on MY time…Wow is she in for a surprise.

I let it reach 99% and boom, unplugged. The fone rings and I answer nicely saying “Hello?” It’s her, SCREAMING at me that she was “trying to do some work on the network” and her connection went. Screaming at me…She’ll pay for this. I ask her for her account name and she gives it to me. I log in and see that she has all her personal info in her account. I send her boss a lovely e-mail from her saying how much of an ******* he is and how she deserves a raise from his “pig faced” ass. I bet she’s going to love me.

I find her fone number and address and social security number and tell her to call me back in a minute, I’m working on the problem now (mainly her).

I finish the e-mail, send it, and then call her fone company to tell them I’ll be out of town for a few months and to have the service shut off, they ask for some personal information which I give them and tell me to have a good trip. (Trust me I am). Then I call her electric company and do the same, (wow is she going to love coming home to a fridge full of decaying food and a freezer full of thawed goods and no fone to bitch about it on).

I then notify the post office that me, her husband will be leaving the country for a few months and to please have “our mail” forwarded to South Africa.

I check her e-mail and see the boss has replied to her “e-mail” I mark it as unread and giggle to myself knowing she just got fired. I hang up and she calls back immediately, how annoying can you possibly be? I tell her everything is fixed after I plug her back into the network and within one minute she calls back about the e-mail, I tell her she just learned the hard way not to yell at me and hang up. What does she care? She’s going to have a bigger problem when she gets home.

11:00AM: I leave for lunch and follow MRS. I cant remember not to scream at people home and wait….5 minutes later I hear a scream and some random bad words and she tries calling the fone company to tell them her fone isn’t working….I don’t quit get why but maybe she had an idea that it would work so she could call and tell them its broken.

Wow, she sure isn’t happy; I’m still outside her house listening to her. She goes to the neighbors house to use there fone but there not home. There at work because they have a job still, THEY KNOW HOW TO TREAT A SYSTEM ADMIN!! As I watch her walk outside, I notice she crawls into the neighbors window to use the fone…Hmmmm, cant have that now can we? I pick up my cell fone and call the police to report a break in and within 5 minutes I watch them pull up and she shits herself. After they arrest her she pays bond and gets out of jail. Her last paycheck will be mailed to her but remember, she’s learning the hard way, so its actually on It’s way to south Africa…It’s sure fun being the Bastard system Admin from Michigan.

4:00 PM: I return from lunch in a better mood and plug the fone back in, of course it has to ring immediately so I answer “Hello McDonalds how may I help you?”
The luser on the other end stutters and says I’m sorry I have the wrong number and hangs up. I think I’m earning a raise!
I check out payroll and edit my profile by one dollar, hmm first day raises are good, I think I’m gunna like working here.

[invader]

Come 0n, you cant be that rude, dont make her cost her job just because she shouted at you !

[gore]

lol, dude im not really an admin doing this, its a story i wrote, go here and read a few of these and youll see where I got my inspiration. im kinda proud of myself though after reading it. I think i did a good job.

http://www.bofh.net/

[Noia]

Yay, an Redgore BOFH special

Now my X-Mas if Complete...

- Noia

[Jnet]

Even the bastard isn't that evil!!!! It's a very good first attempt!

[roswell1329]

OOoohh!! I wanna try:
I love the BOFH stories. This one is 100% Pure Ros

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8:00 AM: The monitor hums to life as I settle into the swivel chair as the new head of administration at Podunk University. I was suprised I got the job so fast. You would think Bell Labs would have posted a warning ad about me after I left them, but I guess 25 points on the stock market is small potatoes for them. Note to self: Ken Thompson as a reference works every time. They don't even CALL the guy!

Started looking around the systems to see how the servers are set up. Ooh, Linux servers! Unfortunately, it doesn't look like the old admin knew anything. I have my work cut out for me. Short to-do list:

* alias gzip to 'rm -f' in /etc/profile
* add 30GB to /root.
* edit luser quotas from 20 MB to 1 MB
* "educate" help desk staff on the escalation procedures for support calls

I think I'm gonna like it here.

10:12 AM: Phone rings. Does someone on help desk not understand what the "janitor closet" is? I answer it anyway. The voice on the other end says in an unbelievably whiney voice, "The system keeps telling me I'm over my quota. Why am I out of space? I haven't added anything since yesterday!" In the nicest voice I can muster I say, "I'm sorry you have encountered such an inconvenience. Perhaps I can correct this injustice for you. What is your username?" "P-T-H-O-M-A-S". This university doesn't teach much about trust, does it? "Oh, I see the problem. It looks like your e-mail file has just gotten a little full. I'll add a small script that should guarantee this never happens again. I'm sorry for the problem." "Thank you, the last thing I need is a stupid computer telling me whats what!" "Of course, have a nice day." I add the .forward file to pthomas's account pointing to /dev/null. I feel helpful already. They're going to love me.

2:35 PM: Note to self: Podunk U seems to think that a lunch hour is only supposed to be an hour. Educate them that the appropriate length of a lunch hour is from 11:15 to 1:45. Cheapskates. Oh well, time for some serious admin work. I checked the print room. Their highspeed printer is the newest model on the market and kicks out 30 pages per minute in vivid color. Very nice. All the other printers are older HP DeskJets with a maximum speed of 6 pages per minute. Found the print queue for the new printer and re-routed it to the oldest DeskJet in the room -- the one without toner. Created a hidden print queue routed to the new highspeed printer for myself. Now I can print out the entire O'Reilly library I've collected from alt.pirate.books.oreilly. An admin needs reference material.

2:50 PM: Another phone call. That's it, the whole help desk staff is canned. Since I'm just waiting for Perl in a Nutshell to finish printing on the high-speed printer, I answer it. "This is the Dean of Administration. Just wanted to welcome you to Podunk U. Are you settling in, okay? Does everything make sense to you?" Sense? I get the sneaking sensation that this man is questioning my skill. "Why, yes, Dean. I think I'm settling in just fine. I'm even making some changes already. I'd like to keep the student and the faculty accounts separate on the hard drive to prevent nosy students peeking in on the faculty accounts. I should move yours first. What's your username?" "Oh, well thank you! It's B-F-E-L-D-M-A-N." It's so easy. "Thanks Dean, I'll be sure to give your account first priority." "Not at all! Good to hear you're getting along. I'll let you get back to work. So long."

Added a new shell to /etc/shells that is a standard csh, but shrinks the users quota by 10 KB with each logon. I call it bfeldmansh. Too bad only one user will ever get to use it.

4:50 PM: Almost time to wind up my first day. There's a pager sitting on my desk. They did say in the interview that they want me to be "on-call" all the time. I'm unfamiliar with that term, and with the purpose of the pager, so I'm going to wire the pager to the Kill-All switch in the server room. I figure if someone is going to call that thing with an emergency, the best thing to do is probably just kill all the power.

There's nothing like the feeling of doing a good job after a hard day. Tomorrow should be even better.

[gore]

Hey guys, i wanna thank you all on the feed back im not redgore, im just gore i realised there was someone with that name after i joined but anyway thanks again guys i really appreaciate it alot. Im looking forward to writing a new one and ill post it as soon as im done, i have to work today but im off for a few days after that so hopefully ill have a better one done for you soon, thanks again fir th feed back guys that means alot to me, i was nervouse as hell sharinf it (its the first time iv written a story so i was nervouse) so thanks again guys

[Noia]

I feel like such a sheep.

[JagFire19]

Great stories! I think maybe you could make a living doing that...Well, keyword is 'maybe'...haha...jp'n.... Goob job.