ireland declares war on france.

[zencoder]

An old family favorite, from the un-official O'Dalaigh archives:

Seamus Finnegan decides he's leaving Ballymoore and moving to America to make his fortune. His mother is terribly concerned and asks Father Patrick to speak with him.

"So, Seamus. You're going to move off to America and find yer fortune, are ye? Well, let me tell you a story. Let me tell you of Jon Dun. He decided a few years back that he was moving to America to find his fortune. His poor mother cried and wept, begging him not to leave her, but he refused to be swayed, promising he'd write to her and send for her when he was a rich baron of New York; he was going to conquer the market and bring his mother to America to live in luxury with him.

But several years have passed, and no letters have come from Jon. Mrs. Dun has been miserable ever since, and to this day she rocks on her porch, moaning for her John to come home to her.

So you listen to me, Seamus Finnegan! If you go to America, you will write to your mother every week and promise not to break her heart. And if you see that Jon Dun, you march right up to him and tell him to do the proper thing and send his mum a letter!"

Seamus promises that he will do so, and heads to America. He spends several weeks looking for work with little success, but he writes his mother every Sunday. One day he is walking along Wallstreet and see's a large banking building with the sign Dun & Bradstreet.

"Och! That must be Jon's place!" Seamus walks right in, heads to the secretary's desk, and says rather bluntly "Ok, so where's Jon?!?"

"Excuse me sir?"

Seamus replies "Jon. This is his building, innit? Where's Jon?"

"Oh I see. Down the hall to your left, sir. 2nd door."

So Seamus walks down and enters the room, a men's restroom that, being form Ballymoore and never having been in a big fancy bank before, Seamus doesn't quite recognize. A gentlemen is finishing his business at a stall just as Seamus enters.

Seamus looks the man up and down, then demands rather forcefully "Are you Dun?!?"

"Uh...yeah" says the man somewhat nervously.

"Well damnit man, write to your mother!"

---
Thank you, thank you very much. I'm here all week. Try the veal. :P

[Cemetric]

Ok ...I only know one Irish joke ...heard it in the local Irish pub, told by a Brit ...

Two Irishmen were out duck-shooting....They had their guns and dogs and walked for miles with no success. After a few hours they dropped into the pub on the way back and listened enviously to all the other hunters in the pub who had been very successful with hunting ducks...

"Where do you think we went wrong?" asked one of the two Irishmen.

His friend thinking a while came to this conclusion...

"Well, I think it's because we're not throwing the dogs high enough."


.C.

[MURACU]

God returns to heaven after being missing for 8 days. Walking through the gates he meets the arch angel Gabriel who was about to go out looking for him.
God calls him over saying Gabriel look what I created. Pulling back the clouds he show Gabriel a small blue planet floating in the void.
« You see that Gabriel that is the Earth. I just made it and it is perfect. Everything is balanced and in harmony with everything else. Look do you see that continent there ? That is called north america. It is going to be rich and decadent . While that continent below it is call south america and it will be poor and pious. See balanced, harmonised perfect. Look you see that contient over there to the left that will be called Africa and every one there will be black while the contient above it will be called europe and everyone there will be white. See perfect balance and harmony. »
Gabriel is very impressed but he noticed a small green dot in the ocean and ask God what is it.
God says that Gabriel is the jewel in the planet. It is paradise on earth. It is a land of low valleys, green fields, rolling hills and gentle rain. The soil is fertile, the water pure and in the futur the people who will live there will be artist and musicians and will invent a wonderfull drink called Guinness. I call that place Ireland.
Gabriel looks at God saying that sound perfect Lord but I dont understand where is the harmony and balance in all that ?
Two seconds says God I havent told you yet about the dickheads that I am putting next to them.

[Deeboe]

OK, I realize St. Patrick's day has past, but I was too dang drunk to post anything here that whole weekend. I am finally caught back up with my sobriety, so here is my favorite Irish joke:

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

-Deeboe

[Tiger Shark]

So... There's Paddy, in the bar a bit worse for the Guinness and in a clearly bad mood...

He suddenly stands up and begins addressing the patrons...

"See this bar here... Built with my own hands... lovingly and well... But does anyone call me Paddy the Carpenter... Nooooo....

Look... Out the window there... See the ship in the bay??? I built that meself too... I cut the trees down... Built it from scratch.... lovingly and well... But does anyone call me Paddy the Shipbuilder... Noooo...











But you screw ONE sheep......"

[MURACU]

what did the judge say to the sheep shagger?


BAAAaaaaaD, Baaaaaaaaad Booooooy,
You muton do that again.