I'm having some computer problems, can you help?

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates
4.2, which I'd used for many years without any trouble. However, there
are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only
solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound off. To make
matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other
applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2.0 and Playboy 6.1.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware
beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 which I tried had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several
weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at
the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected
each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that
this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which
I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all
my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and
Cleanhouse 2002.

Shortly after this however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very
unstable and costly to run; For example, any mistakes I made were
automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgot about them. Wife
1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-Mail pornfilter and can,
without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products
have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is
myself.

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle
Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also
spawns unwelcome child processes that also drains my resources; It also
conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that
they are an illegal operation.

When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme it often crashes
or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up
called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've
attempted to try Mistress 2002, but there could be problems, a friend
has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of
Mistress 2002 it tends to delete all my MSMoney files before
un-installing itself.


Any Ideas?